Popularity: Blogging vs. Real Life November 19, 2007

Do you think they’re related? Sure they are!

You have the following that come into play:

1. You get out there and socialize. People who are members of committees, boards, clubs and who attend many of the parties that come their way are typically well-known. They also usually drink too much to deal with the stress of it all, but that’s beside the point. Blogwise, participants in StumbleUpon, other blogs, IMs, conferences and other activities way to numerous to list here will gain you some degree of popularity even if you don’t say shit.

2. If you screw people over in real life, people will hate you and you will not be popular. Unless you are a politician, CEO of a mega human-eating corporation, oh never mind. I just figured that if you double-cross people on your blog, maybe people wouldn’t like you. I could be wrong.

3. I learned that being featured on TV, even for a mere 30 seconds, increased my real-life popularity. The same is true for your blog. Don’t we all want to be mentioned in the New York Times? Seriously, I got interviewed by the NYT because of a prior blog. My blog didn’t make the article, but it was a nice little ego trip in the meantime. I’m shooting for a mention on Oprah, although insincerity and sarcasm doesn’t really seem to be her thing. Yet. Maybe if I write a book about cute puppies who live in an impoverished African community. It could work.

4. Being good at what you do typically garners the admiration of others. Either that, or they are jealous and want to smite you. The guy in the produce department at our local store knows his stuff, and knows half the town as well. If you can write a blog post intelligently comparing Madagascar chocolate with the Venezuelan stuff, you’ll probably find that you will win over a few chocoholic friends. I wonder if Chavez will cut off access to gourmet chocolate if we attack Iran?

5. I really can’t think of a fifth thing right now, but four things just didn’t seem like a long enough list. While taking a break from writing this post, I dropped one of those huge glass measuring cups on my little toe, where it proceeded to shatter into dust. The measuring cup, not the toe, which is now blue. Having a blue toe will not make me popular, online or off, but I got kudos from my son for cleaning up such an impressive amount of glass without cursing.

I don’t know about you, but I’m struggling with the online popularity thing right now. I have stifled creativity on the many days when I hear of the horrors that seem to permeate my students’ lives. I’m in the PTA. I have family stuff going on, RL friend activities, a house that needs cleaning, and animals, one of whom recently had a very horrible accident on the carpet that lives on in the form of a brown stain.

Tip of the day: When you clean your refrigerator, throw the stuff in the trash. Do NOT feed it to your dog.

I’m hangin’ in. You do that too.

How Many Friends Do You Really Need? November 7, 2007

I promised to post about simplicity on Tuesdays, and well, last week, I simply decided to simplify my life by not posting for a couple of days. I forgot to take photos of myself cleaning out my closet, and felt like a loser blogger because after all, aren’t we supposed to photodocument everything?

One of the things about the Internet is that you have the potential to make new friends. I like this. It is nice to find other people who have twisted and warped senses of humor who can also spell. On the other hand, you may find yourself making too many friends if you’re not careful. This can put your life in opposition to the simplistic zen-like state you are trying to obtain, as you are now burdened with more birthdays to remember and will have to purchase baskets of body products in bulk, if you’re not doing so already.

The friends who are coming out of the closet like woodwork? I’m not talking about a plethora of MySpace friends, for whom I do not generally buy Bath and Body products, or even blog friends, who are fun and don’t expect lotion. Rather, I am thinking of Old Friends.

Generally speaking, old friends are friends I don’t really care to have. The way I look at it is similar to the closet rule. If you haven’t worn it in a year, then get rid of it. Likewise, if you haven’t spoken to a friend for over a year, there is probably good reason. Perhaps your friend slept with your boyfriend. Maybe they decided to become a fruitarian and shunned you because you eat dead stuff like hamburger.It is possible that they simply got tired of your continuing refusal to go mudhogging with them in their big truck. Whatever the reason, chances are there is one.

I make a couple of exceptions to this rule in my own life. One notable one is my older son’s godmother, who lives in Liberia, where the mail service isn’t all that reliable and they occasionally have wars and stuff. One time the family had an argument over whether they were going to eat their dog or not because it had been weeks since the last food shipment. I think I’ll forgive her for not living in a country with a better infrastructure, and no, they didn’t eat the dog.

The other exception is my friend who I was convinced died years ago from using crack and whatever other substance she could rustle up at three in the morning in crusty neighborhoods. I was absolutely delighted to hear from her and learn that she put herself through law school and now has a beautiful, crack-free family.

More typical are the friends who find you on MySpace, Facebook or wherever and email you to find out if your life has been a greater train wreck than theirs has been. Ex-boyfriends are notorious for this, as are the somewhat bitchy girlfriends you had in high school who were always just a tad jealous and insecure. Sometimes I feel like writing emails like this:

Hi Denise! How wonderful to hear from you! Cool that you got a tattoo and finally learned how to ride a motorcycle at your age! I’m happy that you have found meaning in your life. I’m sorry about your divorce, that must have really sucked. You always did like the guys who were either jerks or gay–is his lover cute? Hey, remember that night that we got drunk and you slept with those three frat guys? The blond one was even sorta cute. I was so jealous, you got ALL the men! Let’s get together and have coffee sometime soon, k?

The latest email came from a guy I grew up with and had a great time with as a kid. I was delighted at first, until he started saying things like, “…and I wish I had never dated Suzy because you were always the one for me and I realize that now,” followed by an offer to drive three hundred miles for “coffee”.

I know I’m not the only one this is happening to. My advice to those who are thinking of cluttering their lives with old friends? Don’t do it. Here are some reasons why:

1. If you weren’t in love with the person then, you aren’t now. You are horny, lonely and desperate. Post an online ad. Move on.

2. Your ex really doesn’t want to hear from you, unless he or she is either also lonely and/or desperate or wants to see just how far you’ve fallen since you screwed up. It is just a no win situation.

3. The friend who screwed you significant other is no longer a friend. Ever. No matter how lonely you are. You are better off getting a few cats.

4. The friend who talked you into letting him sleep on your couch for a couple of months? Just say no. Once a mooch, always a mooch.

5. The person you had a huge crush on ten years ago. Do you really need to know what they look like 50 pounds later? Let the memory live on…

6. The friend you just miss, that you used to have a good time with but just lost touch because you had kids and you moved 1857 miles away? Well, maybe. Just be aware that you may always be on one more person’s cute little puppy spam list.

Oh, and if you need to let someone know you didn’t die from your crack habit, then go right ahead. Anytime.

Does 50-Cent Have a Business Card? November 4, 2007

Sometimes its difficult for me to come up with anything to write over here, because my head gets clogged with annoying questions such as, “Do Bloods eat at Burger King?” You see, in Cripspeak, “BK” stands for “Blood Killer”. So does that mean that all Blood gang members avoid eating at Burger King? The BK Broiler could be pretty offensive, right? If anyone knows the answer to this question, let me know in the comments. I’m really too embarrassed to ask the kids.

So, speaking of the kids, I’ve run into a glitch on the blog I set up for them. They are not too excited about having pictures taken of them in their gray alternative school uniform, nor are many of them tech-savvy enough to upload and email me pics. I’m finding out that there are actually teenagers who don’t have MySpace pages.

Setting up that site did have an unintended effect, though. I gave the kids my business cards so that they would have my work email address handy. Upon receiving the cards, the kids looked at me in awe. All of a sudden, I was transformed from their teacher into a mogul of undetermined origins.

“Where did you get those cards, Miss?”, one of the boys asked. I explained that the district had given them to me, but then showed them the VistaPrint site and how they could get free cards that looked way better than mine. As in, they could be Mr. Slick giving out their phone number now. This is what happens when teachers give dating advice. Ahem.

The next day, they were still talking about it. I can just imagine. The Crips and Bloods will now be identified by the color of their business cards. And The Southside 13…I think there’s a logo they can upload.

If you see this trend, just remember who started it.