5 Thinking Errors That Guarantee You Will Never Lose Weight April 20, 2008

Photo by smcgee

Despite the Lean Cuisines I eat for lunch and the miles on the treadmill, nary a pound has budged. I’m not going to fool myself and blame my metabolism, though. It’s my brain that’s making my butt big. Here’s some of the extremely ineffectual things I catch myself thinking about food and weight loss:

1. Grocery shopping counts as exercise. Granted, some stores are as big as Maui. Still, pushing around a cart and filling it up with stuff, however healthy, doesn’t really count for much. Especially when you get “just one” candy bar and eat it immediately after shopping.

2. Telling myself, “I’ll never eat again!” Unfortunately, the morning after binging on chips and queso is not the same as the morning after you have had crazed sex with a hot, anonymous stranger or drank five Long Island iced teas (or perhaps both). You can’t just swear off eating like you can drinking. Trust me on this one, I’ve tried. My resolve usually weakens around 10 o’clock.

3. I’ll have “just a bite.” Usually, the bite is of something like Chocolate Turtle Cheesecake. One bite of that stuff has like a zillion calories. Anyway, who can have just one bite?

4. Counting on the energy crisis as a fallback diet plan. At work, we talk a lot about what will happen if food prices rise too much. We talk about the gardens we’ll plant as we nibble at the frosting on the birthday cake left over from last week. I imagine what my body will look like once I’ve eaten zucchini for about six months.

5. Telling myself I’ll get the child’s plate. I did this today at a Mexican restaurant. The child’s plate was considerately served with a huge basket of chips. The food on the plate looked like it would feed a 450 pound child. Maybe it has something to do with living in Texas, where everything, including the people, is bigger. I dunno.

Sometimes I figure the only way I’ll lose weight is if I travel to a 3rd world country and get thrown in jail as a political prisoner or something. Then, after a couple of years, I would be released from prison with much fanfare, and my emaciated (but fashionable) body would be in all of the newspapers.

Why a Watch Is Better Than a Wall Clock March 20, 2008

Well, for one thing, it is difficult to carry a wall clock around with you all the time. Unless you’re Flava Flav. Anyway.

If I didn’t wear a watch, I’d have to have a clock hanging in my room. No way. This would result in all 16 of my students leaning out of their cubicles and complaining about the time every 30 seconds. So there is no clock in my classroom, making a watch an essential part of my daily wardrobe.

I’ve worn the same Pink Panther watch for years, and I’m about ready to update what’s on my wrist. I was looking at
Seiko watches, and this is the one I like the best:

I love this one because it will go with whatever color jewelry I decide to wear (usually silver), and it is water resistant to 30 meters, which ought to cover the times I hop into the shower and forget I’m wearing a watch.

Tote Your Stuff in Style March 18, 2008

If there is one thing that teachers can’t get enough of, it’s totes. I like this one. It would hold a book, my lunch and a coke in style. Of course, I have to have more than one tote. There’s the one for the computer, one for my tutoring supplies, and one for papers to grade. Then there’s my purse, which changes according to my mood.

Sometimes I feel like a pack mule. Just because I feel like a pack mule, though, doesn’t mean I have to look like one. There’s a lot of cute
baby phat purses to choose from, and I promise you won’t ever see a mule carrying one.

Another great thing about handbags is that they are “one size fits all”. I really like shopping for them on fat days. Like when I’m really feeling like a mule.